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Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Young We Were

Image courtesy of Ambro, / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Once we were young and now we are not

I think as my young self once did –
but I know that I’m not
My body can’t keep up – but my mind is still there

Young we were -
thinking we had the answers
But now knowing we had many more questions 

Young we were -
When we feared aging 
thinking time for accomplishment was finite

Young we are -
As long as we hold our memories
the mind always will be

I am glad to have struggled up this road of maturity



© 2014 Eileen A Partak

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Conquering the Deep

Image courtesy of graur codrin/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A short story about conquering a fear and learning to swim viewed through the eyes of a nine year old  -



Splash!!! -- The chlorine scented water sprayed on Nan. She shivered with cold and fear as she stood in line.  The spectator’s applause echoed throughout the room.  Each person swam across the length of the pool in an energetic display of confidence and graceful strokes.  Nan watched as the line of wet bathing suit clad fourth graders meandered around the large ocean size swimming pool. 

Nan was scared to go into the water. She thought back of how she ended up in this predicament -

*****

Neither of her parents could swim. They were both scared of the water. When Mother was a child she went to the neighborhood quarry with the other children to play in the water. One day she bravely tried to go under water, not knowing she was in a deep section.  A strong current pulled her down deep. Her bathing suit got hung up on some old digging equipment that was left to disintegrate at the bottom of the quarry. She struggled desperately to get loose. Her short life passed before her, finally rising to the top, she swore never to go into water again.

Dad on the other hand, being a man, tried to made light of his fear.   He would not go to his swim lessons as a child because, for now reason he could think of, he was very frightened of the water.  His parents never knew he was not going to the lessons.  He was scared to tell his father he was scared to go. So to hide the fact from his parents, before heading home he would use the hose in the neighbor’s backyard to get his swim trunks and towel wet. Later in life the strange thing was that he was in the Coast Guard, on a ship, and didn’t know how to swim.   At enlistment when asked if he took his swim test he answered ‘yes.’  He knew if he told the truth he would have to take the test and that was something he was too frightened to do.

When Nan’s parents saw that the local YMCA was offering five free swim lessons to grade school students, and because of their inability to tame the waters, it was decided Nan was to take the swim lessons. Most certainly you could learn enough in five lessons to save yourself from drowning they thought. Thus she would be able to save herself in the event she was thrown into the briny depths. 

Nan was also scared of the water. Up to this point in life the only water, besides the bathtub water, she was ever in was the backyard wading pools. There she was brave with water only ankle deep. She also didn’t want to go alone to the lessons. She was very shy and didn’t have many friends, but even if she did most children she knew her age already knew how to swim. 

The first day Mother took her downtown on the city bus.  Mother didn’t drive so public transportation was their means of transportation when Dad was at work.  Getting off the bus they walked down the sidewalk along the busy downtown street. It was a beautiful clear June day.  The sky was robin’s egg  blue.  There was a slight breeze that gave the promise of summer.  Most nine year olds would feel free as a fledgling just out of the nest with summer vacation at hand.  Not Nan. 

As they got closer to the YMCA she had a lump in the pit of her stomach, she might as well have been walking to the guillotine. When they finally reached their destination Mother opened the door for Nan to go in.  Nan hesitated a moment, the double doors looked like the mouth of a giant whale that would swallow her as she moved towards it.  The overpowering scent of chorine hit them as they walked in the building, making their eyes burn. They approached the clerk at the desk, to ask directions to the locker room.  The clerk, a young high school girl working for the summer, pointed down the hall and returned her concentration to the magazine she was reading.  Nan thought the girl didn’t want to be here any more the she did, at least the she was getting paid and staying dry.

Nan followed mother down the long hall as she dragged her red, white and blue striped bag behind her.  They reached the door with the big black letters painted on it that read, WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM – SWIMMERS ONLY !! 

A fierce looking large woman with gray rooted mousy brown hair stood at the door. Nan thought she looked like the warden of a prison.   She wore a black bathing suit. A silver whistle hung around her neck on a red and white lanyard.  She was holding a clipboard with a list of names written down the paper. 

“Swimmers name,” the woman shouted in a loud rough voice.

“Nan Franklin,” answered mother.

“Into this room Nan.  Parents not allowed in here.  Lessons will be over in an hour. Pick her up then,” The Warden said.  She pushed Nan through the door and yelled for the name of the next swimmer.

Shaking, Nan looked back and saw Mother just standing at the door with a surprised look on her face.  Another smaller woman with a friendly face directed Nan to the next room.  The room was large with concrete block walls painted a dirty off white color.  There were long benches down the middle of each row with cream-colored lockers on each side.  There was a group of nine small lockers stacked on top of each other in three’s with a long locker next to each group. 

Nan stood staring at the wall of lockers in front of her as girls all around were chattering to each other.  The Warden walked around the corner and blew her whistle in a long loud ear-piercing shriek.  The chatter stopped instantly as the girls all turned to look at her.

“The long locker is where you will put your street clothes.  Strip naked, do not put on your suit.  Go back around the corner to your left into the shower room.  Every girl must shower and wash off their suit before putting it on.  Don’t forget to put on your bathing cap. All hair must be tucked inside the cap, we don’t want hair clogging up the pool filter.”   The Warden’s orders echoed off the concrete walls as the girls slowly started to get undressed.

Nan opened her bag and took out her swimsuit, towel, and cap and laid them on the bench.  She hesitated for a moment before she started to unbutton her blouse.  Getting undressed in a room full of other girls never crossed her mind. She just assumed she would be getting dressed in a private area.  This embarrassed her since she never undressed in front of strangers.

Once she took her clothes off she stuffed them quickly in her bag and shoved them in the long locker and closed the door with a loud bang.  Nan picked up her suit, towel, and cap. Holding them close to her naked body she slowly walked toward the shower room. 

Outside the door to the shower was the friendly face woman.  Friendly Face directed each girl to a wall with hooks on it.  This is where they were to hang their towels while they were in the pool.  Nan quickly hung her towel on the first hook she saw.   Now with less to cover her body she clung tightly to her suit and walked into the room with the showers. 

It was a long narrow room with a row of showerheads on both sides.  The showerheads were placed high on the wall in order to accommodate adults who also used the pool.  The water beat down like little nails penetrating her skin.  She tried to look around but between the steam in the room from the hot water and the water pelting her from up high she could not see.

The Warden came to the door, her booming voice yelling for everyone to grab the soap and lather up and bathe themselves, and their suit, and rinse off well.  Of course there was to be no soapsuds in the pool along with hair to clog the filter.

After all the girls finished rinsing the soap off, they were led into the next room to dress into their wet suits.  Trying to put a wet bathing suit on a wet body is not an easy task for anyone, let alone children.  Nan put her legs into the wet suit and slowly started to pull it up over her long thin wet legs.  The wet cloth was going nowhere, just sticking to her body.   Nan pulled and did a little jump hopeful she could jump through the suit to get it pulled up.  All the girls in the room seemed to be doing this same little dance as they tried to get dressed.  Next Nan tried stuffing her wet hair into the white rubber cap. Her wet hair pulled at the scalp and hurt as she tried to get it under the cap.

Nan was small for her age, but had very long legs and arms.   Her long stick legs protruded from her second-hand stretchy pink bathing suit. She thought she looked like a flamingo.  Mother always said her legs looked like they would break in half with each step she took.  She was very shy and didn’t like to draw attention to herself. The bathing suit made her very self-conscious. Her short wavy dark brown hair was tucked into the tight white bathing cap, except for a few tight curls surrounding her dark brown eyes.  The top of her bathing cap was embossed with smiling clown faces that seemed to be laughing hysterically at her embarrassing situation. Even though she was only nine she felt this cap was too childish an item to be wearing in public. She observed the other girls wearing colorful caps with little petal shapes covering their heads like beautiful flowers.  With her white-capped head sitting on top of her long thin neck she felt like a cotton swab. 

The girls were then led in a single file to the room with the pool, pulling at their wet suits as they hike up their bodies with each step they took.

Again the strong smell of chlorine hitting her face, only so strong now it almost choked Nan. Once she caught her breath Nan looked in awe at the huge room.   The pool seemed to be miles long and almost as wide; it was as large as a football field.   The sun shown through the clerestory windows and danced down to the water like a brilliant string of diamonds and illuminated the water like clear glass.  The concrete block walls were painted shades of blue in a design that looked like waves.

There were diving boards at the far end of the pool, one very close to the surface of the water and the second had a ladder that reached half way to heaven.  Against one wall there were rows of bleachers with a windowed press box in the middle.

Nan’s jaw dropped as she took in this incredible view.  To her the only swimming pools she knew of were the little blow up round rubber wading pools that the neighborhood mothers filled up with the garden hose in the back yard.

A door slammed, the boys were coming to the pool from the men’s locker room on the other side of the pool.  They looked as wet, shivering, and scared as the girls did.

A group of six teenaged boys and girls stood near the middle of the pool.  These must be the swim teachers Nan thought.  They seemed to be too busy with teenaged flirting to notice the group of wet youngsters standing wide-eyed waiting to absorb the skills of swimming. 

The Warden blew her shrill whistle again.  The instructors, and the wet
Goose-skinned students all stood at attention as the Warden paced up and down the side of the pool. She looked at each person with an intense stare as she walked past.

“Boys, girls, everyone in one long line and count off to six and we will form lesson groups,” the Warden order them.

One, two, three four….. Nan listened as the group of wet youngster shouted out numbers.  “Five,” Nan said in a low shy voice.

The Warden told the instructors to line up and had them also shout out a number from one to six. 

“Line up behind the instructor that has your number.”

Nan looked at the line of hormone oozing teenagers for the person who was number five.  She was hoping the girl she saw when she first came in, the short rather plump pimpled faced girl with the friendly smile was number five.  No, she was number three.  The tall girl with the piercing blue eyes and the figure that looked like an old time sexy movie star was number five.  She wore a black tank suit with a lifesaver badge at the leg and a tight white cap with long blonde strands of hair hanging out the sides.

The students slowly walked over to their instructors and stood quietly in line. There were four students in each group.  Nan looked at the three people in her group.  There were two girls and a boy.  One of the girls was a timid African American girl who looked at the water with more fear than Nan ever felt in her own soul.  She was small like Nan but even thinner with her big dark brown eyes filled with tears. The other girl was taller and heavier than Nan with a beautiful flowered swimsuit with a little skirt.  Her swim cap was a pretty bright pink that made her green eyes look like the leaves on the stem of the rose.  This girl seemed to have more confidence than Nan had ever felt.

The boy was tall for his age and looked much older than nine, which was the age of this group.   He had blond hair that was cut in a buzz and it made him look bald.  He had brilliant green eyes that paired up with the rose girl. Nan didn’t know if they were brother and sister, but they certainly were a matched set.

All the groups followed their instructors to a position at the side of the pool. Once the instructors entered the water their authority over the group of nine year olds grew, and unfortunately some heads grew larger than they should have. The Warden left the room so the instructors were in total control.

“Ok you kids, jump in the water,” ordered the Sexy Movie Star to Nan’s group.  Nan’s group entered the water, two scared little bodies along with two confident souls.

Nan and Timid Girl lowered themselves into the water very slowly from a sitting position at the side.  First they put their toes in, and then lowered their legs as if the water were an acid that would eat away their skin.  Nan felt the floor of the pool and let go of the side.  The water was half way up her chest and she felt as if the pressure of the water would crush every organ in her body.

The confident Matched Set both jumped in with a terrific splash and stood laughing together in the waist high water with both pairs of eyes glimmered like stars.  Sexy Movie Star turned her back on Nan and Timid Girl, and then turning to Matched Set with a big smile. Nan felt they were saying we are the cool ones - let's forget the scared babies.

“Ok kids who can go underwater?” Sexy Movie Star asked the group while only looking at the Matched Set.  “Everyone pinch their noses and go under the water to the count of ten.”  The Matched Set eagerly pinched their noses and together dropped under the water with a splash. 

Nan reluctantly grabbed hold of her nose, closed her eyes, took a very deep breath and slowly lowered her head under the water.  She could feel the wall of water covering over her face.  Once the water covered her ears she could hear the muffled underwater sounds in the pool.  It seemed like whales were calling each other and ship anchors were clanging against the bottom.  She quickly started to count to ten then pushed her head back up. 

She lived!  She held her breath in the water and lived!  Maybe swimming wouldn’t be so horrible after all Nan thought.

The rest of the swim time was more covering their faces with water and holding on to the side of the pool - extending their legs and kicking.

Finally the Warden blew her loud whistle to indicate the end of the hour.  All the students marched back to the locker rooms in a single file.

Back in the shower room they were told to strip and rinse the pool water of their suits and bodies.  The water coming from the showers didn’t feel any better after swimming.  Out of the shower room everyone grabbed their towels off the hooks outside the room.   Timid girl stood crying looking at the wall; her towel was missing.  Friendly Face came to comfort her and brought her a white scratchy pool towel and helped her to the lockers.  Nan felt sorry for her.

Nan grabbed her towel and covered herself and quickly walked to the locker.  Once she was dressed she followed the other girls down the hall to the lobby of the swim center.  Mother was sitting on a big couch reading a magazine. 

“Well how was the lesson?” she asked.

“It was fine, I guess. Not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“Good,” Mother answered looking at her watch. “We have to hurry now to catch the bus.”

That night Nan went to bed worrying about the next swim lesson.  “Four more lessons.  I just have to survive four more times,” shutting her eyes tight as she tried to fall asleep.


*****

A knock on her bedroom door pulled Nan from a deep sleep. 

“Nan get up you can’t sleep all day. You have to catch the early bus to get to your swim lesson,” Mother said as she walked in the room.

“I hope you hung your suit up to dry yesterday, you don’t want to put on a wet suit,” Mother said as she opened the blinds and let the morning sun stream into her room.

Nan laughed to herself.  Little did Mother know it was mandatory to put on a wet suit.

She followed the scent of toast to the kitchen where Mother had her breakfast on the table.  “You have to eat light if you’re swimming.  You don’t want to get sick in the pool,” Mother said as she poured a glass of milk.

“I could only take you to the first lesson. You will have to go by yourself from now on, I don’t have anyone to watch the baby.”  Mother said.  “Anyway you’re old enough now to go downtown by yourself. The bus will stop at the corner at 8:30. Get the money for your fare out of the can on the desk.”

Another item of worry for Nan, she had never taken the bus by herself.  She had no idea which bus to take and how to tell the driver where she wanted to get off.   Now the question was, what was more terrifying, the bus or the swimming?

When she was dressed Nan went over to the coffee can covered with flowered contact paper. This is where Dad would empty his pockets of change every night when he came home from work.  Nan had no idea what the cost of the bus ride was.  She looked for Mother to ask her how much to take, but she was feeding the baby and Nan didn’t want to bother her. 

Nan plunged her hand into the can and came up with a handful of coins.  That should be enough for two rides.  Nan headed out the door to wait for the bus with pockets weighted down with the coins.

Another beautiful clear day, but of course all Nan saw was gloom as she waited for the second day of her pending execution.  

The big green and white monster rolled up to the corner and opened its big door.  Nan looked at the mile high steps and the huge driver sitting upon the seat.  He looked down at her with sharp slits for eyes that went through her like a knife. His body was round and tumbled over the side of the big leather seat.  A mustache, like a broom, hung over a mouth that held teeth as big as boulders.  His extra large hands, resting on the steering wheel looked as if they could block out the sun if he held them up.  He looked like an ogre in the fairy tales, the kind that ate little children.

Nan climbed the steps and stopped in front of the big box that took the money.  “How much is the fare?” she asked quietly as every inch of her body shook. 

“Seventy-five cents,” the Ogre shouted back.

Nan plunged her hand into her pocket and pulled out a handful of coins.  Counting as she dropped them one by one into the fare box, “Five, ten, fifteen…” the nickels fell to the convey belt and rode their way to the bottom of the box making a clink as they hit their silvery resting place at the bottom. 

Nan’s face turned red and sweat started to bead up on her forehead as the Ogre started to breathe hard and fast with annoyance.  How unfortunate the coins she grabbed were all nickels and pennies.

“..Seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy- five,” she finished paying her fare with ten nickels and twenty-five pennies.

The Ogre took one more deep hard breath as if fire would come out of his nostrils, closed the door and started the bus down the road.  Nan walked slowly to the back of the bus feeling that every passenger was laughing and pointing at her for being such a stupid fool.  She settled down on the big bench seat at the back of the bus and prayed she would know where to get off and how to let the driver know. She now thought that maybe she should have paid closer attention to what Mother did when they took the bus. Lucky for Nan the bus stopped at the corner she recognized from the day before.  She jumped off the last step and the bus quickly drove away leaving her in a puff of choking exhaust.

She went through the same drill as the day before.  Undress, shower, put on wet suit, the Warden blowing the whistle as they marched to the pool.   Today there were fewer students than yesterday.  Timid girl walked next to her looking more scared and shivering so hard her teeth were chattering.  Of course Matched Set where standing with Sexy Movie Star, all of them talking and laughing like best friends. 

Today’s lesson was floating.  Naturally Nan and Timid Girl, because they weren’t learning as quickly, were ignored and Matched Set received all the attention from Sexy Movie Star.  Wasn’t this suppose to be lessons to learn how to swim, Nan thought.   So why were the two who were doing so well getting all the attention from the instructor? Life isn’t what you would expect it should be Nan was learning.

Nan tried to float but was too scared to let go of the side of the pool.  Sexy Movie Star looked her direction, “You have to let go of the pool.  Lay back and float.  Why are you so scared? Just do it,” she yelled at Nan then turned back with the Matched Set, they were floating like they were born in water.

At least Nan tried to float even though she was making no progress at all.  Poor Timid Girl was so frightened of the water she just stood holding the edge shaking, tears filling her huge dark eyes.  Nan scanned the length of the pool and saw the same scene. Those who were not scared and could master the lessons were receiving all the attention.  Others like her just stood in the water shriveling up like prunes.  What can you expect to for free lessons.

The Warden blew the loud shrill whistle, lesson over, take shower, get dressed, and leave. 

Nan walked down the street to the bus stop, then suddenly she thought, did she have enough money for the bus fare home?  She dug into her pocket and pulled out the coins that were left and counted them.

Nan’s face went pale, she felt a stab in her chest as she counted the coins again and then again.  “Oh no!” Nan gasped out loud.  There were twenty pennies and five nickels - only forty-five cents and she need seventy-five cents for the bus fare.

What was she going to do?  It was too far to walk home. How would she get on the bus?
Nan felt light-headed then cold then hot, she wanted life to end right there. 
She stood at the corner with the others waiting for the bus.  She scrutinized each person.  Everyone at the bus stop looked very confident and she was sure each of them had the correct bus fare.  None had such terrible problems in life as she.

Nan noticed the bus stop crowd was getting larger. Maybe, she thought, she could just get lost in the crowd and the driver wouldn’t  notice how much money she put in the fare box.  Oh, but what if it was the Ogre he would be sure to notice each cent that went into the box, she would be dead. 

The huge bus roared up the road and stopped with a screech of the brakes.  The crowd marched forward up the steps.  Clink, clink, clink.  The coins played their ecstatic song as they were deposited into the box.  Nan approached the box, took a deep breath and as quick as possible let her twenty pennies and five nickels leave her fingers.  She fearfully looked up bracing herself for the Ogre’s mighty blow.  But it wasn’t the Ogre at all but a friendly gray haired grandpa type with smiling blue eyes and a friendly smile. He looked back, giving her a welcoming nod.

She quickly moved to the back of the bus and tried hiding behind the tall seats hoping the Grandpa wouldn’t notice she was stealing the ride from the bus company.  All the way home she was worried he would call on his radio and the police would be waiting for her as she descended the bus.

Finally her stop came, she got up to leave.  The Grandpa looked in the rear view mirror, raised his hand and waved to her saying, “Have a good day sweetie.”

She stepped off the bus - no police.  She took a sigh of relief and happily ran home.
That night Nan lay in bed not being able to understand what was going wrong with the lessons.   She was trying to learn to swim so she wouldn’t almost drown like Mother.  She was not ditching her lessons like Dad did, even though she was probably as scared of the water as he.  Why was she being ignored and not being taught how to swim?  These questions haunted her until she finally gave into tiredness and fell asleep.

*****

The morning started pretty much the same with Mother waking her, a light breakfast, getting bus fare money.  Only today Nan knew exactly how much money to take.

The Ogre was driving the bus again this morning.  Nan walked with confidence up the steps, dropped three quarters in the box and walked like a pro to the back of the bus.   She conquered the bus.

Again the swim routine, undress, shower, put on wet suit, the Warden blowing whistle, marching to the pool.   Only today the Warden’s whistle didn’t seem as shrill.  Also today Timid Girl was not there.  She was alone in her group with Matched Set.  Review of floating was the beginning of the lesson.   Nan could still not master it but was starting to understand the mechanics of the whole thing.  Next, incorporating the stroke with floating, actual swimming.  

With a flirtatious look Sexy Movie Star kept glancing over at the boy instructor next to her.   He was very tall with short black hair and blue eyes as piercing as hers.  He had two small hairs just starting to sprout from his broad chest that he seemed very proud of.  He also wore the lifesaver badge on his black swim trunks.

“You look like you have your hands full. Do you need a some help?”  He asked Sexy Movie Star in a debonair style as he left his students and tried to strut over to her, as well as he could in the water. 

“I could use some help.  This is a lot to handle,” she answered back while overly fluttering her eyelashes.

Nan stopped her pretend floating and watched the love scene before her.   She looked over at Mr. Debonair’s students who stood watching the scene too.  They looked to be at about the same skill level as Nan, the very bottom. 

The glamorous four laughed having a wonderful time in the water.  The Matched Set were getting private lessons as the three lost souls stood shivering and forgotten in the water. 


*****

The last two days of lessons were pretty much the same only with Mr. Debonair’s two Lost Souls gone.   It seemed she was getting a little more attention today, or maybe she actually was embracing the water and letting go of her fear.

Several students were taken over to the deep end of the pool where the diving boards were located.  These students swam back and forth the width of the pool from one instructor to the other.

At the end of the lesson the Warden blew her whistle as usual, but today told everyone to sit down at the edge of the pool for an announcement.

“Today was the last of your swim lessons.  I hope everyone has learned the basics of swimming. Tomorrow night at 7 p.m. a demonstration will be held for your parents and any other family members you want to bring so you can show off the skills you have learned,” she said in her booming voice. “We will see everyone here tomorrow night. I hope you had a wonderful time learning to swim.”  Ending her speech she blew her whistle one last shrill time as everyone marched off to the locker rooms.

When Nan got home she hesitantly handed mother the notice regarding the swimming demonstration. 

“How wonderful.”  Mother seemed to be beaming with pride as she tacked the notice up on the kitchen corkboard. 

***

The night Nan was dreading was upon her - the swimming demonstration. 

Mother made a hearty supper of pasta and meatballs with red sauce, but told Nan she shouldn’t eat much before swimming.  How could she eat anyway, her stomach was flip-flopping like a fish out of water.

Nan was now teetering between being scared and excited.  She had no idea what the swimming demonstration would entail, that is the part that scared her.  Being so shy it was very difficult for her to do things without knowing everything that would happen. On the other hand, Mother and Dad would be there to watch, that excited her.  Dad would be proud that she had gone to her lessons to learn to swim.  Mother would see that the water wouldn’t swallow her up.


*****

Splash!!! -- The chlorine scented water sprayed on Nan hitting her in the face again, she was scared of this demonstration now that she was here.  The instructors were in the pool forming a line down the length.  First a girl would jump in the pool and swim the length with encouraging words delivered from the instructors.  Then a boy would jump in and do the same.  After each student ascended from the pool Nan heard the crowd applauded loudly. The Matched Set boy’s family hooted and whistled for him as he took a little bow before returning to the locker room.

Nan was next and she still was not sure what to do.  She stood at the edge of the pool looking down at the sparkling blue water. She had never been to this end of the pool.

“Jump in. What are you waiting for?” the instructors yelled.  “Jump in and swim to the other end.”

Nan obeyed the orders and jumped in feet first, her heart pounding with fright.  She sliced through the clear glass surface as the water covered her whole body.  She heard the muffled whale cries and the anchor sound hitting the bottom of the pool again.  But then she suddenly realized the horrifying truth.   She was not touching the pool floor - she continued to descend down.  She continued down, down into the briny depths - to her death! 

Nan saw her life pass before her.   She recalled Mother’s near drowning story.  Mother was right to never go in the water again. She opened her eyes under the water and could see the legs of the instructors moving as they treaded water to keep in place.  

Finally, by some miracle, she rose to the surface of the water.  She was coughing, spitting water and splashing franticly.  She could hear the voices of the instructors, but she was in such a panic she could not make out what the words were.  She heard someone telling her to grab something, but she wasn’t sure what.   Then through blurry, chorine stung eyes she made out the figure of the Warden at the side of the pool holding a long pole. 

“Grab the pole - grab the pole.” The Warden yelled as she pushed a long slender silver pole toward Nan.

Nan tried to grab the pole but each time she would reach for it she would panic.  Each time she panicked she would sink into the vicious waters again. The Warden kept trying to fish her out with the pole.

Finally she grabbed the pole and the Warden pulled her along the remaining length of the pool.  Water sprayed in her face as she sped along the glassy top of the pool.  She reached the end of the pool after what seemed like a hundred years.  Awkwardly she pulled herself out feeling like weights were trying to take her back to the deep wet bottom. 

Nan heard no cheering, no applauds from the crowd. She ran with tears swelling in her eyes out of the room.  This time she stood under the pelting shower spray, tears mixing with the water, while she wished to die.

Nan could not think of  a more humiliating moment in her life.   She had never been to the deep end of the pool, how was she to know there was no bottom to stand on.  How was she to swim when no one gave her the proper instruction?  She swore she would never go in the water again the rest of her life.

Nan was so upset she didn’t say a word the whole ride home.  She wasn’t even sure if Mother and Dad spoke.  Once they got home she ran to her room and jumped on the bed crying.  A few moments later Dad came in to see her.

“I was awful. I was the worse one.” Nan sobbed with her head buried in the pillow.  “I was the only one they didn’t clap for.”

“Now Nan. You were not the worse.”  Dad said in his kind soothing voice.  “Everyone was a student there, not everyone was at the same level.  Everyone received applause, even you because everyone tried his or her best.  Was that the first time you were in the deep end of the pool?”

Nan explained everything to Dad.  About how she thought the instructors gave all the attention to the students who weren’t scared of the water. How all the other students who were scared were ignored because they didn’t catch on as quickly.

Dad patted her back as she continued to cry.

“It’s alright. It’s not the end of the world.  Sometimes things seem bad, we all have those moments.  These are the things that help us be who we are. Toughens us up.”

Nan was now sitting up with Dad holding her.  To her it was the end of the world.  She stopped crying as she rested her head on his shoulders.

“Hold your head high Nan and go back next summer.  Show them you will learn to swim.  Don’t let them ignore you, make waves,” he smiled. “You will learn much more than swimming. Face the things that scare you. You don’t want to be like your parents and scared of water your whole life. You have more courage than me, I couldn’t have jumped in that pool,” he laughed. 

Nan looked up at Dad’s smiling face.   No matter how terrible things could be he always made her feel good. Nan gave Dad a big hug and kissed his cheek. 

“I’ll remember that, but please don’t make me go to the demonstration next time,” she pleaded.

“You go to the lessons, and you do not have to go to the demonstration if you don’t want,” Dad said and returned a kiss to Nan. “We are very proud of you for trying.”

“Thanks, Dad.” She looked towards the door and saw Mother smiling at her too. “I will try again not just to conquer the deep but to make myself proud of me.”


*****


© Copyright 2014  Eileen A Partak

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Holding Memories

Image courtesy of mistermong /FreeDigitalPhotos.net
“If it’s any consolation for you, she died instantly.”  The words of the police officer played over in Rex Bernard’s head.  It was their tenth anniversary. They had plans to meet for dinner to celebrate.  It was bad enough the accident occurred on their anniversary but they had a ridiculous argument that morning over where to dine. He insisted she drive and meet him at the restaurant near his office.  Her argument was she didn’t like driving in unfamiliar areas, but she finally agreed.  Jill got lost.   She impetuously drove along the foreign streets trying to find the restaurant and missed the stop sign. A truck hit the side of her car.  She died instantly.

It was his first day back to the office since Jill’s death the month before. All the sympathetic stares and well-meaning words had exhausted him.  He couldn’t wait to return home to rest.  But he was reluctant to enter the empty house. It felt so cold and lonely since Jill was gone. A light rain dotted the sidewalk as he made his way to the door. He hesitated a moment before turning the key, not sure if it was the rain or tears that moistened his face.

Flipping on the light he saw something glistening on the kitchen table.  Feeling a sudden wave of vertigo he grabbed the doorframe to steady himself.   There on the kitchen table sat a gold frame holding a picture of him and Jill taken the night he proposed.  Rex picked it up looking at the image of the happy couple gazing at each other with eyes silently speaking love. He clutched the picture to his chest and wept.  He was puzzled at how the picture appeared on the kitchen table - and why?

The next night, still insisting on blocking happiness from his life, he was hit with another surprise.  Small pink roses sat on the kitchen table – the kind that made up Jill’s wedding bouquet.  Rex sat down at the table picking up the bouquet breathing in the delicate scent.  He caressed the soft fresh flowers thinking of their wedding day, picturing how beautiful Jill was and how happy they had been.  Again he sat weeping, blaming himself for her death and wondering how and why the flowers appeared.

Rex hurried home from work the next night to see what surprise awaited him.  On the kitchen table sat an opened cookbook.  He picked it up, “BBQ Meat Balls” he chuckled as he fingered the pages stained with BBQ sauce.  The first meal she made after they had gotten married. He laughed thinking of that night, picturing Jill and the kitchen splattered with the sauce.  He remembered how he wiped her cheek and kissed her sauce-splattered nose.  These memories were replacing the pain-filled places in his heart with joy.  But again he resisted the warmth of memories. Instead he embraced pain and regret as the sentinel to keep happiness from entering his devastated heart.

Nothing showed up for several weeks, until one night something sparkled brightly on the table.  Rex could not believe what he saw; there it was Jill’s wedding ring.   Hoping to ease his pain he had buried the ring with her. To keep it, he thought, would cause too much grief. Now all this was too much for him to handle.  Who was playing this trick on him? How were these items appearing? 

Later that night Rex was awaken by a dazzling light cascading over the bedroom walls.  There in the light blue radiance, looking beautiful like a princess stood Jill.  She reached her arms out toward him and in a soft voice said, “Rex don’t be tortured by my death.  Death is just another step in our existence.  I did not leave you. I only died and moved from this life to experience the beauty of the next.   One day we will be together again.  Be happy. Don’t waste life with regrets and sadness. Fill you heart with happiness and memories of the love we shared.  I left those memories for you, to remind you our time together was precious.  Keep the memories close. Remember me but enjoy and live the life you have now.”  She then blew him a kiss and disappeared. 

Rex sat in the dark room feeling a loving warmth embrace him.  He would hold these loving memories his wife gave him in his heart for all time. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Captured Fire - Part 8

Image courtesy of suphakit73 /FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This is the Eighth
installment of the 
short story 
Captured Fire

This story is the story of a nine-year-old boy,
Robbie, who enters a magical world where he learns about the meaning of life,
friendship, and respect for others


***
Robbie rested the next day with the horrible vision of the destruction to his firefly friends by his human friends. It was so vivid in his mind.   He wondered how he was supposed to make everything right. If he could not save the firefly kingdom he would be a firefly forever.

The next night they assembled under the oak tree once more before flying off to their assignment.  The new members of the squad were not filled with the same enthusiasm today. This was not fun and games; now it was a seriously dangerous job.

Martworth received praise from the older squad members for his quick thinking to go for medical help. He was awarded a certificate of commendation.  He was happy to have helped his fellow fireflies, but his thoughts now turned to what his father’s end must have been. It had always been a legend to him, now he knew it was a real happening.

Robbie was under pressure. He had experienced what happens on the side of the fireflies when the boys are playing their game.  This was not a game on this side. Now his mission was to get them to understand. How was he to do that? He was a firefly, even if he were still a boy they wouldn’t listen anyway, they couldn’t understand. Confusion filled his brain more as each minute ticked by.

Barra called them all to formation then off they flew to the neighborhood that was once Robbie’s home, but now a dangerous battlefield.  All the new members flew slowly not wanting to relive the experiences of the night before. Barra kept encouraging them “this is life men. Go do your job, be brave.” Even the mature experienced fireflies worried, but knew they had to go on and do what is expected of them whether they were frightened or not. Life was not always filled with peace.

The neighborhood looked like any summer evening Robbie could remember.  He saw the parents and grandparents sitting on the patios as the kids played in the yards.  But what once was a fun evening of games to him as a boy now brought terror flowing through his little beetle body.

Once again the group performed their light show routine with as much enthusiasm as the night before.   It was a beautiful sight as each bulb flashed at its appointed moment. The choreographed show could be set to the sound of a Mozart symphony.  Robbie seemed to lose himself in the moment finally relaxed and thinking only of his time to flash and the beauty of the evening.

The boys showed up quickly, running and jumping at the Meltor squad. Each firefly flew off as fast and as high as he could still flashing to the symphony.  Robbie panicked as he saw his old friend Jason capture Martworth and pull off his flashing bulb. Martworth struggled falling to the ground yelling for help. Jason took the glowing bulb and placed it on his forehead, “I have a head light,” he laughed as he jumped up and down and the other boys followed his lead all jumping around like little frogs.

Robbie made his way over to Martworth as he lay on the ground with a look of pain in his eyes.  “I’ll make it,” he said, “it’s just a flesh wound.”  He tried to stand up but weakly fell to his knees.

“Don’t move, just stay still while I get you help. You’ll be fine,” Robbie said trying to keep a confident sound to his voice, but all the while he was filled with terror.

Robbie tried to remember the distress flash they were taught in class.  He didn’t pay much attention to it that day not knowing why he would ever need to have such knowledge, now he knew.

It only took two emergency flashes and the medics were at their side.  They carefully lifted Martworth onto a stretcher made from spider webs and down from a milkweed pod and an oak leaf for a cover. Once he saw Martworth was on his way to the hospital, with exploded temper he went in off in search of the boys.

It didn’t take him long to find them in his back yard running and jumping after the Meltor squad.  He wasn’t sure what he was to do, but his anger was so elevated he just flew down at the boys in attack.  The boys were completely startled at the fierceness of this firefly, something they had never expected.  Robbie took advantage of their surprised state and made another dive bomb attack to their faces. The boys were startled and started screaming and swatting at the firefly. Dropping the jars they ran off in the direction of their homes. All that is except Jason he knew this was not an ordinary firefly so he was determined to get his hands on this one.  After several attacks on Robbie’s part, Jason captured Robbie cupping him in his hands. Robbie yelled at the top of his voice calling Jason’s name and stomping on his hand as hard as he could to get his attention.
Jason peered into his hands to see what kind of bug this was that was so active.  He looked closely blinking his eyes and shaking his head to take a closer look. He was in disbelief seeing a firefly in his hand with his friend Robbie’s face and hearing his name called.

“Jason it’s me, Robbie. Please don’t hurt me I need to talk to you.”

“Ro-b-b-i-e?” Jason stuttered still not sure what it was he was looking at. “I must be dreaming, Robbie was kidnapped. I must just be missing him and everywhere I look I see him.”

“No you’re not, it is me. I have become a firefly and I need to talk to you. You have to believe me, don’t hurt me, take me somewhere so we can talk.”

Jason looked closer at the strange firefly sitting in his hand.  Blinking and blinking he finally focused his eyes. His jaw dropped. “It is you!  How … why? I can’t believe this is true.”

“It’s a long story,” Robbie said, “We need to talk. Take me to Nana’s shed.”

Jason, still in shock, carried Robbie carefully in his hands. When they reached the shed Jason placed the special firefly on a shelf.  Robbie explained the whole story starting with the capturing of Rosella, King Huron, the legend of promise, everything that had happened to him.  He told him in detail the horror of being imprisoned in the glass jar and how the fireflies suffered, were injured and many died.  Jason was unsure of the whole thing and it horrified him to think his friend was a firefly. Looking around the shed he found the bughouse and locked Robbie in for the night.

Robbie yelled for Jason to come back. He started flashing distress signals hoping the squad could see him, but to no avail.  He was locked in the shed where he couldn’t be seen or heard.  He spent the night in there worrying about Martworth and about his future, until finally he slept.

In the morning he woke up hearing voices outside the shed.  Mama, Dad and the police were discussing a missing boy, and then he realized it was him they were talking about. His parents were distraught and he started to cry hearing Mama sound so sad.  Nana was with them and tried to comfort them, “He will be back. A boy sometimes needs an adventure and takes off.”  They just pacified Nana, after all she was just an old lady who didn’t understand what was going on.  Robbie wondered why she didn’t sound upset and sad, thinking maybe she didn’t really love him.

 “Mama, Dad, Nana, it’s me Robbie I’m in the shed. I’m a firefly,” he tried yelling as loud as his beetle lungs would allow, but no one heard him. They all walked away and he was left alone in the shed again.

He knew he must find a way out or he would die. “How can I get out? ”  He rested his chin on his little beetle hands thinking, and realized he knew everything about this box because it was his.  “The entrance is at the top of the box and all I have to do is fly up and slide the little panel on the blue roof and I will be out.”

The idea was a good one, but he forgot he was not a large human boy any more and the box was made to keep the fireflies in.  It was very hard to move the panel now. He placed his front legs flat on the panel and braced his back legs against the sidewall that the panel rested up to.  He pushed all his legs in each direction as hard has he could, he pushed and pushed but nothing happened.  He collapsed on the wood, hot, tired, and ready to cry.

“This was so much easier to do as a boy. I don’t think I will ever get out.” He sat back closing his eyes and cried.  He laid there for a few minutes in defeat and then visions of his fellow fireflies being captured and suffocated filled his mind. “ I will get this opened I must do this for the whole kingdom.”  More determined than ever he pushed and pushed all his legs shaking and his head feeling like it would explode.  Finally the panel opened and he flew out of the box and through a crack in the window.  Right over to Jason’s house he went.

Now that he was out he had to come up with a plan.  He waited in the garage sitting in Jason’s baseball mitt hoping to come up with an idea when Jason showed up.  After what felt like hours Jason came out to the garage. Robbie knew Jason’s routine. Every morning he always went over to the baseball field. So he sat quietly in the mitt as Jason picked it up.

“It’s me again. We have to talk,” Robbie shouted so he could be heard.

Jason blinked his eyes and shook his head as he looked into the mitt. “I thought you were a dream. Maybe you are and if I get rid of you I will finally wake up.” Jason tried to smash Robbie in his mitt. Robbie dodged him and flew out of the garage and back to Nanas rose garden. When he got there he found Rosella sitting on a red rose.

“Jason is trying to kill me. I don’t know how to get him to listen to me. I am afraid I will always be a firefly. I wish I never found you.” Robbie yelled without taking a breath.

“Calm down. We were all worried about you when you didn’t come home last night.  I do have a plan to help you convince Jason. But first let’s get you back for some food and rest.”

 The first thing Robbie did when he got back was go to see Martworth who was recovering from a bulb transplant. “Hey buddy how are you doing? You look great.”

Martworth was a little tired but seeing Robbie perked him up a lot. “Can’t complain. Look at the size of this new bulb they gave me.  Going to have a little therapy to get it to work, but everything is going to be fine.  Waiting to get back out there again and do my job even better than before.”

He did seem more determined to go back out and do his job. But first was a recovery period were he was transferred to lamp duty.  There was one good thing that came out of the situation, he was now not the shy little beetle he once was, but a confident firefly.

Robbie tried to rest all day but kept having visions of being captured in the jar the night before. He attended memorial services for the members of the group that perished in the attack. When evening came Robbie and Rosella went to Jason’s house and waited for him again in the garage, this time sitting on the jar rim. Right on queue he came in for his jar.  Rosella was the one this time who flew right up into Jason’s face. He was so startled he fell back onto the workbench in the corner. 

“This is an important lesson for you to learn and you will not refuse it,” with that Rosella said some words neither boy understood, touched Jason on the head and he shrunk down to the same size as them.  Rosella pulled a small yellow suit out of a bag she brought giving it to him to put on.  Jason was in shock but did what he was told. Then they all flew off together with Jason being pulled on a leash like a puppy as little fleas, holding on to the straps of the suit, flapped their wings to keep him suspended in flight.

As they flew across the yard Robbie relayed his first hand account of the harm they had done to the fireflies. But Jason was too scared and bewildered at his size and the situation.  Soon they flew right to the group of boys gathering in the yard ready to go on their nightly search. The small group of three hovered high out of the boys reach.

“We will observe from up here the actions of the boys,” Rosella said to Jason. “You then form your own conclusion.”

When the boys decided Jason was not going to show up that evening they started their bug chase in the usual manner.  The young fireflies performed with extra vigor tonight to convey to the Land-one visitor that they were more than flashes of light in the night sky. The light show tonight was the most spectacular ever. Jason was in awe as he hovered between Rosella and Robbie above the flashing lights.

All of a sudden the choreographed group started to scatter and the battle between beetle and human started once more.  Several boys scooped up fireflies with silken nets on long poles, while others captured zooming lights in their hands.  Soon all the boys were hooting and laughing with jars glowing like lanterns.

“See what is happening,” Robbie said turning to Jason with pleading eyes.

Jason now comfortable with his size and the fact that his friend was a beetle replied, “Sure I see, everyone is having a fun time as usual. What’s the big deal anyway?”


Robbie shook with anger and moved toward Jason, but Rosella moved between them. “Wait a while, the boys will be finished soon then we will go see the horrid results.” They moved over to the limb of a giant oak tree and sat and waited.

§

© Copyright 2013   Eileen A Partak

Thursday, November 29, 2012

House Sold - Life Goes On


Vacant house the essence of old life floating in each room

Smiling faces perched in dusty frames frozen in time

Forced visions of not who they were or could have been in life

But just an artist's concept of whom he thought they should be

Looking from afar not allowed to view this space once more

These faces soon erased for others not to know of them

Not to know the pain or joy that filled this house for a time

The essence of the new will fill each room - Life will go on



Ó 2012 Eileen A Partak

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Meadow Painting

Image courtesy of franky242  /FreeDigitalPhotos.net  

The picture I painted. It is perfect. It is vibrant and cheerful. I move into it to watch and live the scene.

A little girl, with soft, bouncy, brown curls, runs in the meadow picking brightly colored wildflowers. Not a care in the world as she takes the child size bouquet to her mother who sits under the shade of the oak tree.

They have lemonade, and butter cookies, and laugh together, and smile at each other with love, as each conveys a story. They watch the butterflies move vigorously from one beautiful flower to the next, consuming the luscious sweet nectar. Mother closes her eyes. She listens to the sweet music of Daughter's laughter as she plays with a kitten in the tall, soft, grass. The warm yellow sun embraces them all.

A warm breeze blows over Mother’s face and revives her from her trance.  She rises from the lawn chair and slowly places the white straw hat on her head.  She moves across the meadow. The wind is stronger now. Her pale yellow dress is blown out behind her, floating above the ground. Daughter cries out, Mama please don't leave me, but Mother continues on, not listening to Daughter’s cries. She ignores her and continues walking.

Daughter runs after Mother. The wind is too strong for her little body to move, she is tossed to the ground. She continues to cry out, until Mother’s form fades from her sight, forever. 

Wind picks up, sun disappears, and a sheet of rain erupts from a broken dam embedded in dark boiling clouds. Meadow and Daughter are drenched…

The colors of my painting start to run together. They blend into bleak chaos. My painting, not of oil, but watercolor, is washed away.


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Summer Agenda


Today is the first of August. End of summer comes to mind as this month makes its appearance. I shouldn’t feel that way, the calendar shows more summer ahead, but this is the back to school month, not September as in the past when I was school age.

Summer was a very long season as a child. The end of school in June was a relief – at last free – no more thinking! I remember mornings – sleeping in – waking to the warm breeze as it meandered through the window finding her way to my bed; gently caressing my face. The bird outside my window sang her morning song telling me a new day was waiting for me. I can still picture that morning sun – the glow and feeling as he peeked into my bedroom, a sight not duplicated in my adult life.

The first item on the agenda was getting outside to have fun.   I would meet up with my friends (usually the boys) and we would plan all morning for our afternoon activities. The activities would be productions with each person having a specific part and dialog.  Sometimes the game would be Flash Gordon, or cops and robbers, sometimes a game with our own made-up language, which got us laughing as we tried to figure out what the other person was saying. But mostly it would be cowboys and pioneers crossing the plains going west. We all had guns and holsters, our parents didn't worry this toy would influence us to a life of crime or we would become mass murderers. We were kids but yet we knew the difference between reality and fantasy.

The next item on the agenda was getting provisions for the journey. This consisted of thorn-apples from the tree in the front yard, either picking off the branches we could reach or just gathering the apples that fell to the ground, naturally discarding those with worm holes.  This took up the largest part of the morning, after all it would take months, or years to cross the plains. We needed enough to sustain us through the long seasons of travel and hardship.

When the lunch whistle blew, and their was a whistle off in the distance, from where we never knew only that it was lunchtime; we gathered in a different backyard each day for our meal.  Brown paper bags containing our sandwich and fruit, someone always had candy and would share a piece, and of course our Fizzie tablet.  The hosting mother supplied the glass of water to pop our Fizzie in.  We dropped it in the clear liquid and watched as the colored tablet swam to the bottom of the glass. Bubbles shooting to the top and the color swirling in the water like fireworks on the 4th of July.  Instantly the glass of water turned into a sweet soft drink - my favorite being the artificially flavored root beer.  I can’t imagine that today’s Fizzie tables make the same wonderful drink.

After lunch our “play” would start.   We played with enthusiasm and concentration as we acted out each scene. Our play went strong, non-stop, until the fathers came home from work.  As soon as the car was spotted coming down the street,  our play stopped and we immediately went.home  Mothers never had to call us home, we knew it was time, we followed the agenda.

Family time was the agenda item for evening.  Once in a while an amendment was made, you might play over at the closest neighbors yard, maybe catching fireflies or playing red-light – green-light, but not very often. Family time was on the agenda for the whole neighborhood. Some nights I would be with Dad as he checked out his garden, or played catch with him as Mom cleaned the kitchen, or shooting the BB gun at the sign in the vacant lot, or just sitting in the yard with lemonade listening to the folks talk about their day. There was no watching TV in the summer, most shows where reruns, and after all everyone wanted to be outside, it was too hot in the house.  This was the era before every building had air conditioning, we enjoyed being out, winter was time enough to stay inside.

Unfortunately for Mom we did get very dirty playing outside all day.  We made a ‘slide’ on the construction dirt pile in the vacant lot, dirt attracted to our sweaty skin like metal shot to a magnet.  Which ever activity was on our agenda that day, a nightly bath also was - unlike winter when a full bath was only a Saturday night event.  We could stay up late in the summer. After bath-time the agenda item was snuggling with Dad. We kept cool in front of the window fan as we watched the news, weather, and sports. This was a big treat!

I don’t know if summer was so much longer then, or maybe it was the fact there were no worries for us, everything we needed was provided. We were kids and lived in our own world. Whatever it was – yes – summer as a small child was magic. How I would love to again add that magic to my agenda.



Copyright 2012 Eileen A Partak